My life has not been very glamorous, nor very positive or constructive.
The one thing that can make me change living a certain lifestyle and doing certain not very constructive things, is an alternative that fascinates me! This is the only thing that works for me!
I have always had a very great and demanding need for stimulation. It has made me live life ‘on the edge’, so to speak, even in ways that I definitely don’t agree with.
My need for Life at it’s strongest has pushed me into living a destructive, non-giving, non-creative lifestyle, even though my need to do something that is really Good, and Great even, is the strongest of all. But the absence of opportunities to realize that central part of me, has turned it against myself as well as – on a few occasions – against people around me. – It is truly horrifying how a personality made for greatness can become destructive, even for other people, if it is denied an outlet for what it is ‘made for’.
But I’ve learned that psychiatrists think of the trait in me to have it’s cause in that I don’t feel very strongly, that I get bored easily and have no sense of moral obligations.
I see it in a completely different way: I DO have strong feelings, stronger than ’empaths’, but I also have a strong personality, one that is build for ‘greater things’ or for ‘greatness’. I have a … not indifference, but a … Hunger for Life that is insatiable, it is not my ‘shallow’ or ‘flat affect’ that makes me need stronger and more frequent stimulation, it is because my personality IS great, it IS uncommon, “larger than life”, and that makes the reason for my need very obvious: A greater personality will need greater stimuli, because his personality is made for great, constant, dramatic stimuli … stimuli the likes of which normal people couldn’t deal with, couldn’t handle.
Seeing people getting shot, killed and even tortured, usually hasn’t been enough to make me change my ways… and to my eternal agony! – But in the eyes of those who don’t share this personality trait, my agony is but an empty lie.
…For they do not believe that I CAN feel agony, or feel much anything at all.
When I hear them downgrade people like me, like us, by saying we haven’t much or strong feelings, etc., I see that as an attempt on their part to force everybody to shrink and belittle themselves in order to comply to their standards.
To them nothing but ‘normal’, ‘common’ and ‘ordinary’ is okay or sane. If you’re bigger, larger than they, then you must be a psychopath! … And this offends me!
Long enough have I lived with limiting myself, hiding like a criminal because I am different, even having to pretend to feel like they, the ordinary or normal people do. I had to, because punishment for not being ‘good’ according to their mediocre standards, would be lunched whenever I took the chance and was myself, if even showing just a few little honest details of my true personality.
No wonder they see the so called psychopaths ‘acting normal, faking to be normal’! I mean, who wouldn’t given the present situation??
Isn’t it ironic how human beings, when faced with individuals who’s personality is unlike our own, tend to think that those who do not feel the same way as we do don’t feel anything at all? – I used to think this very same way about ‘normal’ people. I was convinced they didn’t feel much at all and that the feelings they do have were mere pretending.
When I realized that they thought the same way about me, I began to question whether perhaps I had been wrong when I assumed they were pretty much without feelings or depth.
Today I know they do feel, and to them their feelings are probably every bit as real and potent as mine are to me. But when that is said, there’s no doubt that the kind of feelings, the ‘width’ or ‘range’ of our feelings, are very much different. And in this regard I am the one who has depth and range, not the other way around. – The point is that it doesn’t matter that my feelings are truly deeper than theirs, for they can’t feel that their feelings aren’t as deep as mine. In other words: To them their feelings are as strong as all people’s feelings can possibly be.
And I respect this! I respect that people are different, personalities are different, needs and preference, abilities and drive of the soul are different! … So then why on earth can’t they – the ‘normal’, the ‘mediocre’ masses, why can’t they respect me in the same way that I respect them?
– That’s a topic for another article.