It was to take place at the hospital where I met the guy (a surgeon, no less) who said “you can’t get things out of a computer”. I wasn’t happy to be send there again (it wasn’t my choice, but they’ve made new laws that have people being send where the hospitals themselves decide. No free choice of hospital, not since the law Free Choice of Hospital was made. You know, just as usual with laws, they create the opposite of what they say, not freedom, but more decisions taken away from you). So I did fear I’d be meeting the same surgeon, since I knew exactly what his decision would be.
It was a surgeon I hadn’t met before, and he was refreshingly human. He actually listened to what I told him, but sounded doubtful about whether I should receive surgery. He promised to ask his colleagues (!! Come again? He had to ask his colleagues? Well that’s what he said!).
So sometime last week I received the answer. It was a decision made not by the surgeon who saw me, but by a “board”. It is no longer the individual surgeon who decides, but the whole goddamn council!! Do my reader see the implications opf this? If one surgeon has deenied a patient, and the patient asks for a second opinion, not only may the patient be send to get a second opinion from the same fucking place where he got the first one, he’ll also NOT get a second opinion, for there ARE no second opinions where it’s a board who decides. How can a board give a second opinion to their own opinion? Ergo, the concept has no meaning. At least not here.
I can tell the decision was made almost without thought. The 3 lines in the letter didn’t even reflect his personality, but was strangely skewed, trying to imply something “we” had spoken about at the consultation while at the same time stating an opinion he had never expressed – but which I knew the other one had expressed 2 years earlier, if not with the same words (he’d been outright rude, this one ‘tried’ to be civil).
The heart of this whole matter is that it makes me angry beyond imagination. And there’s nothing I can do about it! – Yes, I have to make money and go elsewhere to get it done privately, but that only fuels my anger because I know it’ll take time. I just lost 200.000,00 last year, and they had taken a long time to make because I’ve been staying away from crime. – Now I’m supposed to do the same thing again, and spend the whole thing on surgery instead of retirement.
It’s at times like these I feel every bit as victimized as any individual neurotypical I may have given a rough time. So they may just sit there and take it when they get treated badly, but why does that mean I have to do the same?
Truth is, of course, this is some strange matter having to do with flawed laws and bad decision making, etc. etc… But it makes me so damned angry that I can’t influence my own situation in any way – at least not by legal means.
This anger has kept me up the wall lately. Whenever I’ve been trying to write my anger have blocked inspiration and made everything loose it’s luster. I’m not sure about how I can deal with this, it’s the first time I’ve been defeated in this manner.
I’ve always said, when people loose heart: “Don’t let yourself get beaten, no matter what. There’s always a way you can change things, always!”
And of course I still believe there is. I too will find a way. Oh yes, I’ll find a way!!… But for now it’s … I don’t know. This anger will destroy me, if I don’t somehow get over it soon.
And neurotypical people are supposed to feel stronger than I do? How can they live with stronger emotions than mine?
Since I’ve begun to understand and recognize that I fit the definition of a psychopathic individual I’ve been looking at neurotypical people in a different way than I used to. For example, earlier today one of my Internet acquaintances send me a link to a Youtube Video feat. William Whitmore, a singer playing his guitar as he sings. He starts the session with a little conversation, his audience is obviously small, it’s an intimate kind of performance (not a 10 thousands of people scale performance).
At one point someone in the audience shouts “Fuck the police!”, and the singer exclaims back: “Fuck the police!”, and the audience cheers.
I can’t help wondering: What does he feel when he says that? He doesn’t look that different from how I look when I say such things… But I have to conclude he feels either stronger or more varied and different kinds of emotions than I would, or perhaps both?
How can they, the neurotypicals, live with all those emotions tearing at them all at once all the time? Because that is what must be happening if I’m to believe what f.x. Robert Hare keeps claiming in his books and texts, otherwise they’d be just like me, except for being less free to decide which emotions to feel and when. And that is one thing I can easily see they’re not. I’ve always thought that was the only difference: The kinds of feelings we choose to feel, and that they have a more compulsive pattern, which is what I’ve been using against them, to control them and to defeat them. I’ve never seen it as a difference in how strong we each feel, and it still seems slightly odd to me that they really should be so full of emotions constantly.
And the complexity thingy… How must it be to have so many different emotions going on at once. Mustn’t it be something of a rollercoster to have so many things going on at once, to never have one well defined emotion and that’s it, but always several fluctuations of a scale. It must be like never being able to look at one color, because there’re always a lot of other colors all at once, mixing up each other. Maybe this is why they’re so prone to anxiety and depression. If you heap up multiple colors on top of each other you don’t get a rainbow, you get black.
Of course, the point would be that they can have the rainbow. But I can see a rainbow too, I can distinguish the colors in a rainbow, but I don’t ‘feel’ the colors. Do neurotypicals feel what they see? Do they feel something whenever they look at a picture or a situation? Some people are said to feel sad if they see a picture of a starved child. Those people must be living rigid lives, for they can’t allow themselves to be exposed to whatever kinds of pictures and emotions may come their way, or they’ll feel bad all the time. Maybe that’s why most people are so hung up with peace and stability and safety? But if this is how it is, why then don’t they arrange their lives so that they get exposed to things that make them happy all day long? I know I would.
Reality is structured in a way that makes constant happiness impossible. Even if they did arrange their lives so that only happy things were part of it, it wouldn’t work, because feeling happy is a perspective, and perspectives have no bearing without their opposites. Black is what makes white white, and vice versa.
This is also the reason why the constant attempt to create a perfect society where everybody are happy isn’t possible, and the efforts are therefore wasted and even contra-productive.