I was always certain I could feel Remorse despite the fact that I had never felt it, which I was quite aware of. The reason for this, I thought, was very obvious: It was because I had never had any reason to feel remorse. And this way of thinking is as recent as… well, right now, as I write these words! I actually still don’t think I have any real reason to feel remorse for anything I’ve done. None of what I have done did I do just because I wanted to make the world suffer just because it would be fun to do so. I always thought I had a good reason for wanting to make the world – or some people in it – suffer. I had god reasons for each killing, for every torturing, for every time I made someone break down mentally. I had good reasons, my reasons. And never did I think of it as just being done for “fun” alone, I always felt there was something to be learned, something of value in some way, even when I wasn’t sure what it was. – I guess this is what they mean when they talk about Entitlement, for I certainly felt entitled.
And this is the point I see can find some problematic ground with some of my Readers, but I must be honest, or this whole project, Psychopathic Writings, will be meaningless.
The fact that I don’t think I have any reason to feel remorse… that I’ve never thought I had any reason to feel remorse… means I don’t think I should feel remorse after any of the killings in my past. I’m sure, that if I thought I had reason to feel remorse, then I probably could. As I write this, I try to imagine how that must be, to feel remorse. But I would be lying if I claimed to be able to imagine such a state of mind. Honestly it doesn’t really seem very important to me either. What good would it do to anybody if I felt remorse, here, alone in my home?
How can I explane something like this? I know how alien it must be to many, maybe to most, people in our present time. I think all I can do is to say it as it is and not try too much to explain, except for the obvious things that I think have validity.
It’s not that I do not care whether I do something wrong – or at least it wasn’t so at the time, not really. No, I can’t see any reason to feel remorse, because I honestly don’t think what I’ve done is that bad… especially considered all the facts about how my own situation was on the times when I committed them.
There have been times when I did harmful things out of curiosity and without any other reasons such as revenge, f.x.. And even in those cases do I feel I was basically justified, because I did what I did in order to get an experience I felt would be good for me, f.x. in that it would provide me with the “knowledge” that my initial curiosity sprang from an urge to acquire. Many of my reasons (in the past) for doing some very ‘horrid’ things may seem incredibly small and flimsy, but in my view every single experience I got was part of a whole that I’m sure has a purpose, even though I didn’t know (and still don’t know) what that purpose was or could be.
This is where I can now recognize what is called ‘magical thinking’ playing a role in the way I thought and rationalized my actions. It’s clearly connected to the thesis of Grandiose sense of Self Importance or Worth.
All of this, especially when I write it down in this manner and use the terminology of the definitions used to diagnose me, I can see why the professionals think I must be a psychopath.
But here comes the reasoning behind one of my first articles, in which I begin by stating that I know I’m a good person, in:
I’ve never felt I do what I do – however horrible – is just for my own gratification. Yet, my own gratification is always at the center of things. But that is because my gratification is provided in order for me to be able to function at my best. I do have an unusually strong need for stimulation – this I don’t attribute to a shallow emotional life, on the contrary, I’ve always seen myself as someone who has a very strong inner life that demands Existense, demands to get into that Dance of lLfe – to put it poetic – the ongoing and dramatic exchange between forces and extremes. It is my hunger and appetite for life that is unusually strong.
How can I make a strong appetite for life fit with the idea of shallow and limited emotion!?
So they say I have flat affect because I don’t seem to react to most of the dramatic impressions or sensations given me. But in my opinion this is not because I don’t feel anything at all, it’s because I’m so used to feeling a lot all the time that it takes something very unusual to make me react visibly.
To get to the central point: I have always felt sure that everything I do is for the good in the larger scheme of things. That’s all I can say. I have no actual religious philosophy, nor do I hallucinate or hear voices. There’re no symptoms of mental illness.
But I also have never thought I didn’t want the best for mankind or the world. I may not have thought the opposite all the time either, but does that make me ill willed? If asked, and when I ask myself: “Zhawq, do you want death on the world, or do you want happiness for the world?” I truly did think I wanted happiness for it! And I truly thought – and still think it possible – that I could play a part in making things happen.
I still want the best for the world, but I no longer believe the best can happen without some agony. This is the sad news I have learned on my recent journey. Ironic indeed that I caused destruction while I believed it was possible to make things well without pain. And now that I actually don’t think pain can or should be avoided, I am finally no longer causing any destruction, but in fact am being helpful even to those who may still want me destroyed.