When a psychopath, who is otherwise always thought of as uncaring for people or for how they function, shows interest in and fascination with how the human body is structured – well, how every creature is structured, really – inside and out, I think it ought to be taken as a positive sign.
I personally think this is one of the most natural kinds of interests that a person can have and have always thought it to be at least part of the motivation when someone decides to become a surgeon, or any kind of physician.
But it is seen as strange and even morbid… Why is that?
I remember already as a kid that I didn’t understand why everybody – even adults – when they were going to hospital to have surgery done, would say: “I’m glad I’ll be under anesthesia, so I won’t have to see them cut in me!”
‘Not see them cut in you!… But you’ll miss all the most interesting part of it!! If it was me I’d WANT to be awake so I could see as much as possible!’
It’s been one of my ongoing frustrations when I’ve had surgery that I can’t get to see the whole thing.
Two years ago, shortly after I’d been released from prison, I learned for the first time that now it is possible to do surgery while the patient is fully awake.
I watched a movie where such a surgery procedure was filmed through the first two minutes, and the patient was awake alright, but he had a large shield placed across his upper chest so that he couldn’t see what was going on, and it just seemed so absurd to me. He was being cheated!
I’ve had surgery done on a number of occasions, and also some diagnostic procedures involving techniques to look inside my body. And every single time it has been a frustrating battle between me and the doctors, because I want to see what they’re doing, but the doctors can’t seem to wound their minds around the fact that I really would be pleased with getting to watch everything.
Numerous times have I had to somehow ‘cheat’ my way into getting to see what goes on. Often it means I have to writhe myself into an impossible position, like f.x. when something as innocent as an ultrasound scan is being done. They place the monitor so that it faces away from the patient, and often it doesn’t even seem to be very practical for how the doctor has to be positioned either. Even so they put a lot of effort into not letting me see anything.
Okay, I’ve sensed at times it’s not only a misunderstood attempt to be considerate, it also seems in some cases as if they think I’m trying to steal my way into seeing how they do things, and I’m just not supposed to know because I don’t have a doctor’s degree – or something like that. I don’t claim to understand completely, and I don’t think they do either. But there has been some weird protective streak in their behavior – protective towards ‘their’ work, not to my feelings or safety.
Anyway, I wish there would be a common procedure that allowed a patient to decide up front if s/he wants to follow and see everything that happens, or perhaps wants to get it filmed so they can take a DVD home with them as a memory token.
