It’s been a long, hard road that I’ve been walking these past three odd momths or so since the last time I was able to write any articles, not to mention get them posted on the website, or since I was able to be present online at all, since all my accounts – my email accounts, my domain, my Twitter, my Google Talk and my Skype, and for some time even my Youtube account – all of them had been hacked into by this stalker I mentioned in the very last entry I managed to get written and thrown onto a page, messy and without editing as it was.
My little stalker, or ‘Shadow Thief’ as I came to call him, did manage to do some damage to my computer which on the surface is the reason I’ve been unable to get online to do my work. But in truth these things could’ve been fixed within a week or ten days at the most had it not been for some very odd details that made things go down a totally different path, eventually leading to me reevaluate a lot of what I had come to conclude about myself being able to ‘meet the normal person at the middle’ with goodwill on both sides, etc.. To be quite honest, I do not thinnk this is a possibility anymore. Not because of me – I did what I should and what I had to do – but because of them – they did not do what they should’ve done and what they would’ve done had it been any other person but me who was in the situation I finally found myself in after meeting my stalker.
But perhaps I should tell you a little bit about what happened, and it went like this…
Without trying to go into too much detail about how it happened, I found myself a new kind of situation back in late March when I decided to invite a person who was stalking me into an apartment of mine. I was interested, wanted to know more about him. It turned out he knew me from this website and had somehow found out where I lived.
As I mentioned in the first article, I recognized what we can call a ‘dark side’ in him, one which he thought wasn’t visible to others, but I could see that he saw I could see it. So hesitantly he agreed to make an exchange which would take place by I letting him stay and he in return telling me about himself and being honest when I asked about things he wouldn’t ever have told anybody else. However, it didn’t turn out as planned, because there was one fact I had overlooked. This guy had read a lot about me online, also the many rumors that I’m a girl, so when he started to stalk me he had expected to find a woman, not a man. Somehow he felt I betrayed him by not being what he had expected and by being far stronger than he had anticipated. In short, he became frightened and stopped talking to me altogether.
Instead he began to access my computer and go through all my stuff while I was not around, and one day I came home to find my apartment completely ravaged. I immediately told him this was it, he would leave and not return. He left, but he also returned. The obsession had become fullblown.
He returned with a band of pals who broke into the apartment and stole whatever they could find of worth. There wasn’t much, the destruction he left was the worst. But worse still was the fact that when I called the police they refused to come. And believe me, this is not a bad neighborhood or anything of that nature. The truth of the matter is they didn’t come because of who I am. It didn’t matter that I have lived up to all the demands from the board and from society in general. It didn’t matter that I have never once in my life called on the police without due reason. In other words, I was being given the same treatment I received when I was wounded and needed surgery in my hip: They flat out refused despite the surgery being a routine thing, something they do for thousands everyday. I have assurances for everything, but didn’t matter. And so in this case, I could not regain any of my stolen property, nor could I get my front door fixed.
I can be a stubborn man, and besides, I really didn’t have much money to use for anything since the main part of my money are bound overseas and what I had had in this apartment was now gone. Again, I could’ve gotten it back easily because there’s no way he or his pals could’ve spend it that fast, but the police was not interested in catching these burglars, thieves and drug pushers (yes, I found out everything about them and know the police know the very same things that I came to know. Still, they would rather see me pushed into a situation where I might either relapse and become criminal to survive and violent out of anger, or end up dead from lack of food, at the very best an impoverished, broken man with his clothes in rags walking the streets while whichever band of local hoodlums took over my apartment.
From my presence back here online my reader can probably guess what route I took. I was meant to be back in jail or prison now, but I’ve managed to stay out. All human and citizen rights are on ‘disdabled’ mode when it comes to me. Now how am I supposed to react to that? Am I supposed to remain a good citizen and go out of my way to please a board that doesn’t care anyway?
And so I have changed. I have realized there is no way I will ever be allowed to become a so called decent member of society. Society will see to that! And I have changed my position on psychopathy as well. I had come to accept a good many things about how society defines psychopathy, indeed, the way especially Hare and others describe it. But I am now somewhat back to where I started when I didn’t believe I was a psychopath at all. I believe I fit SOME of the profile according to the PCL-R and the scans that backs it up, but I most of all understand that psychopathy is a synthetic construct, or like Blackburn put it already in 1993: ‘Psychopathy is a mythical construct. And that’s exactly what it is, a mythical construct for a particular mythos, the one that modern day society is build on.
So you could say in a sense that psychopathy is bullshit, there’s no such thing. There’s only people, with different brain functionings and different upbringings and different IQs and even different sets of morals according to religion or pracmatism.
Knowing very well that my “allseeing” board reads this and that I may face concequences, I nevertheles “have to” be honest – after all, that is what I promised to be with the Psychopathic Writings Project to begin with, and I believe my readers deserve the truth as well. So I’m going to say it as it is: I cannot and will not promise to forever remain the good citizen. My reason for this? A better question would be “Why would I remain forever the good obediant citizen when all I get in return are repeated overstepping my human rights and my rights as a citizen in this state and on top getting treated with disdain and sometimes even ridicule when I attempt to receive what I have the right to receive? Why, I ask you?
Most of those who read my articles are so called normal people, folks who have never been in trouble with the law, but who have also never been through too much hardships, people who pretty much sail through life doing what you’re expected and told to do and following the rules, because you don’t have that deep, strong roaring need for something more. We’re brought up to believe it is normal and good to not want adventure or excitement, that we’re supposed to be happy if we get a new kind of delicious dinner we haven’t tasted before every now and then, and a new suit every couple of months.
I’m not going to tell you this isn’t normal. It obviously is, at least in our day’s societies. But to say that anyone who wants more and who are willing to do what is needed to get more are psychopaths because we may hurt someone in the process and not even take it that hard, that is outrageous when you consider the fact that most of you have participated in bullying individuals who couldn’t defend themselves since you hit first grade or even earlier. You don’t feel bad because you made some poor kid who lived with a drunkard for a mom and no dad in a trailer feel he had to go through hell every single day for maybe years. I’ve seen you on TV when these kinds of matters are sometimes brought up.
Take a look at the video about The Columbine High killers. What do you see? I bet you see two psychopathic kids who deserved to be bullied because Look how they turned out, we knew they were no good and that’s why we bullied them! Well guess again, pal. I see that those kids went through years of hell and they finally turned out the way they did BECAUSE they were bullied on top of having poor situations at home. And one of those kids happened to be a psychopath, not both of them.
Psychopathy is a construct made for the convenience of society so that society can single out individuals who encompass a certain set of traits in their personality. And once somebody has been labeled, or diagnosed, as a psychopath, the psychopathic traits is all anybody ever sees. But I have never met a psychopath who was “just” a psychopath, all have they had personalities that are distinguishable from other peoples’ and other psychopaths’, they have different ideologies, some have no ideologies, they have different tastes in music, type of clothes, some like to torture and kill animals and never go beyond that, others like to torture and kill human beings but have never found it interesting to do the same to animals, some were fascinated with fire as kids, others were not, some wetted their beds until they were well into their early teens, others did it until they were 9, and yet others didn’t wed more than any normal kid.
I am trying to tell you that we are living human beings, and yes, we do have feelings. Right, I do not have all the same emotions that you do, but let me tell you a secret: I have emotions that you do not as well!
So yeah, I was born with a strange attraction towards death and torture and destruction and darkness, and as a kid – given the circumstances I was placed under – I more than dabbled a little in all of these attractions. I have killed, I have set fires, I have raped, and I have held people in an emotional death like thrall until I tired of them. But all that was because I knew nothing about how and why I am so different from the norm, just as the public at large doesn’t know why psychopaths are so different from them. If I had been taught about what and who I am from early on, if it hadn’t all been denied and met with silence or punishment when I tried to find out why I was different, then I might have turned out differently. But I wasn’t told or taught because people around me too didn’t know, nor did they want to know or aknowledge that I was different. Even my good sides were kept secret because it couldn’t be tolerated that one child had talents and abilities above those of other children….I know this is not a common American way of thinking, but I was brought up in a rural and remote area where people live and follow a very old fashioned lifestyle (much like the one I have to endure now everyday for as long as I’m stuck here in this also remote and rather rural European state). Hence, when I was being assessed the first time I was in jail for murder, I was told about all the bad things about me, but I when was told that I have an IQ of 148 it was done with a shrug and an attitude to signal it was nothing so outstanding that it was really worth mentioning, and I was only told at all because I asked directly about it. Ironically, I didn’t know anything about IQ levels, so I walked away thinking my IQ was normal. It was only later when I mentioned it to others that I found out how unusual also that part about me is.
But you blame only me for having been ignorant. Nobody blames the wider population for it’s incapacity to have even the slightest taste for educating themselves. It is so much easier to continue with the “Psychos are psychotic and therefore evil” nonsense. At the end of the day there’s no use in blaming anybody for not knowing about psychopathy and how psychopaths function, think and feel. But there’s also no excuse for continuing to be ignorant and taking all the normal person’s little inner psychopathy out on those fewer psychopaths who get recognized for being so.
I stand to what I have always said: I am not sad about being who I am, I am proud of being me and I like to be me. I will never wish to be any different, only to learn how to live life in a more giving way. I don’t want to become a good person, I AM good and I embrace the badness that I also am. I am me, and THAT is good!
And this brings me finally to a question some of you have asked me in emails: What do I think about the book ‘The Psychopath’s Bible‘? I will tell you more about this in a future article, but be prepared for you may not like what you’re going to hear.