They say Committing a Murder will Change You. They also say Psychopaths Like to Murder people, that they Enjoy it find it Exiting and Stimulating. I’ve even been asked a number of times by people who haven’t killed if it is true that once you’ve murdered someone you can’t stop because the Act of Murdering gives you such A High that you become Immediately Addicted to doing it.
They also say that once you have killed someone you’ll feel you have nothing to lose because you’ve crossed a ‘final line’, so murderers are capable of anything and will kill almost at random if they feel like it.
Well, whereas it does seem that normal people who kill tend to say it changes them – though not in the way suggested above (look here), none of it is true for me, you might even say quite the contrary is true.
I will try to explain…
Murdering people hasn’t changed me. I’m still the same person that I’ve always been, and the same is the case for all psychopaths that I have met. The only thing I can think of in terms of change after having killed is that it made me realize it is neither addictive, nor wonderful or great, and this is something I obviously couldn’t know before I had the experience. Killing didn’t change my personality, it just added new knowledge to what was already there. I’ve always known I was capable of killing, but though having actually done this deed made a difference in that it gave me another and in a sense higher awareness about myself, it didn’t change who I am.
As a consequence of not feeling any kind of ‘rush’ or ‘high’ from killing people, it should follow logically that I am also not addicted to doing so in any way or sense of the word. The very notion is nonsense to anybody but a very small minority of murderers who become serial killers. They’re often addicted because killing to them is a sexually charged act (ref. Dennis Rader, to mention but one example).
As for feeling I have nothing to lose because I’ve killed, that simply wasn’t the case. I’ve never felt there was nothing to lose because I killed, on the contrary I felt there was a whole lot or work in front of me to get past the obstacles that comes with being a known killer. And I was willing to do that work, I was even interested because it represented to me a chance at doing things differently in the future.
Yet I now feel exactly the way I’m expected to: I feel I have nothing to lose. But it wasn’t any crimes on my part that caused me to feel this way, it was the acts of indirectly attempted murder by normative society who has broken all the rules and laws it so eagerly force upon everybody who happen to not be part of the Official Law Enforcement Powers System. What “changed” me, or rather what made me realize I don’t have anything to lose, is finding out just how right I was to begin with as a kid and a young teen who didn’t believe in anything anybody promised or told me unless I could confirm it myself first. I was right back then – I’ve got plenty of proof over the years – and I’m just as right now. But I was wrong during these past one and a half years while I actually thought it was possible that they would live up to their side of the bargain.
I know that I can’t rely on the authorities to help me if I call for assistance when someone tries to kill me, tries to steal my property, or tries to rape my woman, or in any way tries destroy, damage, or take away something that I own. So I just might end up having to do what I thought was over and done with, because I’m not about to sit idly around when crimes are committed against me, no matter how much the authorities sanctions such acts….unless I manage to get my funds back up in time so I can leave this place and get a decent life somewhere else, because fairness on behalf of those who demand everybody else behave “fairly” (read: obediently) is certainly not going to happen here, that much is more than clear.
But it’s not even just me, at this point I guess I find some sense of pleasure at witnessing how dreary and emotionally painful lives people around here live. It’s really no wonder that this state consistently has the record for having one of the world’s highest annual suicide rates throughout the century. However, I do not plan on killing anybody again, nor do I plan on killing myself either, but even though for the time being I can’t defend my Human Rights or my belongings, I WILL Defend My Life if I have to.
There is one exception to the rule that Committing Murder Does Not Change A Psychopath. If the psychopath gets killed as a Consequence of having murdered, you can say that would make him Change Profoundly. It is the Ultimate Change for anybody and the Sentence we all must endure as a Consequence of having Committed The Act Of Living.