Once we had Established that he could Call Himself a Sociopath, we went on to Discuss a Psychological Problem that he had been Struggling with throughout his Adult life and which I to some extent could Understand giving what I had been Able to Learn and Put Together about his Background….This guy had an Insatiable Urge to Kill, to kill not just any Kind of Life, but Human Life. In short, he Wanted to Kill A Human Being. Not any Particular Human Being or even Somebody who might have Wronged him or otherwise given him Reason to want that Person Dead, it was the Act Of Killing in itself that Possessed his Thoughts and Formed Basis for an Intense Recurring Longing.
Let me say right away that I know it isn’t entirely uncommon in people with AsPD to Struggle With An Urge To Kill People and there have been some individuals who have publicly expressed the same desire on various forums on the Internet, some of which may be known and frequented by some of my readers. This being the case I would urge you to not jump to conclusions as to who the person I’m writing about here may or may not be.
For most of the remaining period that I and my AsPD friend corresponded the subject was on how to deal with the Longing To Kill People (here’s yet an example of someone describing the problem: Urge to Kill – Ask The Therapist). I knew this was not an issue to take lightly and thought about a way to deal with it without actually putting anybody in harms way, and at some point I advised him to look into the many Unsolved Murders in Mexico which is a case of large scale murders on women that dates back to 2004 or earlier. I knew this young guy is intelligent, and my thought was to give him an intellectual psychological outlet while also placing the actual scene beyond the border of the US.
Weary of being too specific about anything since I know how easy it can be to use poorly chosen words against someone – and not least someone like myself – so I chose to put it in such a way that it could not be misinterpreted as something it was not while at the same time I felt certain my mail pal would know what I meant.
My words were: “Look to the South”. I still have the files of all our correspondence, but there’s no need to look up the exact wording because I know what I said. However, I didn’t know that my “friend” chose to interpret it as an encouragement for him to go and actually kill women in Mexico himself. Of course I never suggested that he kill anybody, nor would I ever do such a thing, if for no other reason then because I don’t believe the act of Committing Murder would’ve helped him, not to mention that I doubt very much that he would have actually taken the step. Had that been the case there’s very little reason to believe he would have spoken to me about it for a lengthy period before getting into action. His problem was psychological, but not in a Behavioral sense.
As it turns out – to the best of my knowledge – he never did take action, but the urge kept haunting him and most likely still does. I am fairly certain that due to his fearful nature he never did, and never will, kill anybody. Luckily for him he’s too concerned about his personal safety and with not getting caught to undertake a reckless action of this nature. Who knows, maybe the actual deed itself would in reality have proven to be more than he could stomach, but this I don’t know for sure, it is only speculation.
What I do know, however, is the fact that throughout our correspondence he was trying to make me believe he was someone, or ‘something’, he is not, at least not in the traditional sense of the word. In short, I found out that ‘he’ was not him, indeed he wasn’t a ‘he’, he was a ‘she’. I sensed this early on but it took me some weeks to become certain that for some reason this person insisted he was a man when in fact he was not born as a man, but as a woman.
I waited for a long time before I confronted him about it, hoping he would eventually trust me enough to be open about him on his own. In the meantime I made a search on the topic of Woman Pretending To Be A Man and found websites such as this. I didn’t find an answer that I felt applied to my “Male Sociopath” friend, I suspected his issue was more about disliking the physical weakness of the female species, perhaps stemming from personal painful experience. When I finally did confront him he reacted with self righteous anger and said things like “How can you think I’m ‘just some’ woman?!”.
The Reader may wonder why I keep calling this person by the male pronoun. There is a reason for this which I didn’t know about at the time. Hang on for the Distrust & Disloyalty – Part 3.