Maybe it’s my time. Not to live my dreams, but to leave this world. I have so much more to say, about the reasons for all the bad things I’ve done – reasons that may astound some people who think psychopaths do bad things just because they feel like it and do them on a whim – a view that I myself have helped somewhat to create because I didn’t know very much about psychopathy at the time, I was newly released from prison and had no experience with the Internet, so I went with what I saw other psychopaths do who came forth to apparently tell the truth about themselves and their condition.
At the same time I fell in with a crowd o9n a website which was very much into the ‘psychopaths/sociopaths are badass, man!”. The author herself wasn’t on this bandwagon, I must add, but she encouraged it among her readers nevertheless while at the same time she was the first and – at the time – only experience I had ever had with someone who wrote things that were almost similar to my own feelings, thoughts, ways, oddities and abnormalities.
At the same time I had, by the team who supervised me and ran the psychopathy research test program – been deemed one of the fewer psychopaths who do NOT mellow with age, and indeed I felt this was true, because I felt I was ever as energetic and holding the selfsame views that I always had.
Little did I know that as my public announcement of what I was and how I saw things would lead to an actual study, research into what psychopathy really is. And I found it to be in the process of changing quite a bit these latest few years – though not so where I’m now stuck living, though, quite the contrary, but that’s another story.
By now it’s been little more than 3,5 years that I’ve run my blog, and I’ve done serious study for at least 2,5 years if not more. And little did I know that my research would bring me knowledge that I had never dreamed possible. I would learn to see psychopaths and their behavior, plus the background for our behavior, from the viewpoint of non-psychopaths and from the professional forerunners in the research.
Least of all did I know that it would change me profoundly, that I would indeed mellow, but freely and voluntarily. I would gain one major new ambition, and it was this simple one: To become a law abiding and positively contributing member of society, I would give back from all the wrong I have done, and I would – if at all possible and if anybody would have me – married or at least live with a close special other, someone who would be my companion throughout life.
I’ve always wanted this, but I’ve been too arrogant to believe it could be such a deep wish as it has become. But here it is, and without someone to live a normal life with, and without being able to leave this place and this country, I will die soon. Of that I am no longer in doubt. But that too is another story.
