When I was A Child I had Certain Beliefs, certain Convictions, And Certain Wishes for My Future, for How My Life Would Be and for What I Would Accomplish.
I don’t know how typical I am as a psychopath, but I guess most psychopaths think likewise about themselves.
What I do know is that I always thought I would find a Soul Mate, and for many years I expected to fall in love like I saw others do. A lot of broken Illusions could have been avoided if somebody had told me that the way I would – or will, if I get the chance – be able to connect with a woman is not the same way that most people connect with a special person.
Such a person could’ve told me that I cannot love in the same way that normal people love, and a little later in life there were a few who tried to tell me this. But by then I had already had so many negative experiences with people filling me with false hopes and/or condemning me for being a non-human at the same time – a long line of disappointed expectations and encounters with what I will still to this day call plain and simple mean cruelty towards someone who was different from the norm – and so I did not listen to these people when I finally met some who told me the truth about me not being able to love the same way that normal people love.
So I disregarded what these few individuals said and continued on with my belief that without doubt I would some day meet someone I would love and who would love me.
Now, that I am about midways through my life, I am experiencing what professionals said I wouldn’t: I am going through the famous mellowing that most psychopaths go through around this time in their lives (though for most it happens earlier), and maybe it is time I explain a little more about what mellowing means to me.
I have always had an energy that got me running like a steam train without breaks. Robert Hare calls it the psychopath’s ADHD-like behavioral element[1*]. This energy used to block off much of what other people tried to tell me, and that coupled with my bad experiences with listening to others at all, made me run in my own direction which turned out to be very bad choices in many cases. I thought I couldn’t trust what anybody else told me, so I had to experience everything for myself.
Hence the first murder, hence the rapes, and hence so many other bad things, some of which at the time gave me those big thrills that I always craved so much.
I will in an upcoming article point to some things about me in my very early life which – in my opinion, and, I’m sure, in the opinions of those psychopathy researchers who have given the world the latest groundbreaking and most important discoveries about psychopaths as we are in reality rather than in the speculation of somebody’s mind,… they will share this opinion of mine, the opinion that I had in my Neurogenetic make-up all the traits of what should’ve become what Kevin Dutton calls a Good Psychopath, a pro-social psychopath and a non-violent, non-criminal and non-abusive psychopath.
More on that in a later article, but for now I will tell you that all the thrills and curiosity satisfying bad deeds that I have done in the past, were done in another era and I have changed profoundly since then – funny enough, I didn’t change much in prison, it was when I came out and got access to a computer, and finally when I began to seriously study and do research about what psychopathy is and how it might relate to myself… It was this that brought about the real change.
And now I can honestly say that I have no wish to neither repeat nor do something similar as I did before my imprisonment. I have absolutely no wish to return to that way of life.
And after all, I have already lived that life, so why would I do it again? Especially with the understanding of how hollow my reasons were for what I did, it simply is something I will not return to – even though I sense it is expected of me, and at least two different of my psychopathy research affiliated supervisors have an urge to push me back into that life style that they aren’t even consciously aware that they have and that they’re acting out every time they’re around me. But thanks to my natural instinct for psychology I know exactly what they’re doing and I never take advice from neither of them (though of course I have to play the game and pretend to find their suggestions noteworthy and of special interest).
I have no lust for blood or for being violent anymore. I was that way for most of my life, and now all I want is to be given a chance to live a non-criminal life, a life with someone whom I can take care of and who’s side I can stand beside throughout the remaining years of our lives. I am not good at cooking or other house keeping activities (though I can help and also learn fast), but I am good at everything practical that a house needs done.
If I had a knee implant, or an amputation (which may be called for because by now it may be too late for a knee implant – I’ll need expert orthopedic surgeons to decide that) and prosthesis, so I can walk almost normally, there isn’t much I can’t do.
And this is what mellowing coupled with traits I were born with, as well as my own hard work during the last 3-4 years, has meant to me. I have changed and will never again be the guy everybody fears – though I can always do what’s needed if somebody I care for is being threatened – that part never goes away: What you’ve once learned will remain in your repertoire of skills.
I wonder if I will be allowed to live like normal people – like surely most psychopaths do. I can see myself and a woman I love, a woman who is my equal and who will never need to be afraid of me, ever!! – in a house or apartment in San Francisco, or Philadelphia, or anywhere is a possibility, South America or England for instance – but not Northern or North Eastern Europe.
Ah, but I better stop dreaming. Hope is necessary, but to start thinking somebody might like you enough to let you make her happy is a dangerous thing.
I will never be ‘normal’ in the way that ‘normal’ people are ‘normal’, but I don’t have to be normal to be happy or to make others happy, and that is all that matters to me.
[1*] – I can add that this ADHD-like condition of mine has made my inability to walk, run, sit normally, and sleep in a bed like other people, which is the result of me not receiving a knee implant, also interferes severely with my ability to focus. I can hardly read a book because of this, and maybe me Reader can see why it also makes my keeping this blog a major accomplishment, something I really want to do but which I am regularly too impaired to do. And I hope I have your understanding and patience for I promise you I am doing my very best – and yes, I Will get it done!