The following article will be about how quietly isolating people and individuals, denying them their rights as human beings, can stunt your ability to grow on an emotional level and stall – or completely stop – your ability to be creative and to continue writing your story.
This article began as a reply to the comment which an Anonymous Reader placed under the article named: “Psychopaths & Needs – Letting Go?” on: Oct. 5 -15, 1.01 PM’. I saw the potential for an article because there was so much I could say, which would take up too much space for a comment and which – more to the point – I wanted my Readers in general to have easy access to reading. So I decided to turn my reply into an article, and here it is…:
Thank you for your supporting words. People may not realize it, but it really can mean a lot also for a psychopath to hear something like what you have written here when they are standing with their backs against the wall, spending almost every second of their waking life at fighting the surroundings’ clever ways of attempting to neutralize you – basically kill you, but without actually pulling a trigger, just by refusing you any means of access to medical or surgical aid that could make you a capable and functioning person.
I really do appreciate your gesture. There are times where I’m a the brink of thinking my fight for survival and what I fight for being able to do and do better than ever before, is an illusion, that the world may not be ready after all, and after all, I have already planted the seed and can see it grow in background and on the net here and there, but simultaneously I sometimes feel that I as a person is no longer needed so I might as well let go.
It would be easy to just die – but problem: I want to experience it when I die, and that isn’t easily accomplished without accepting a great deal of pain. That would be observable to those who find me afterwards, and I don’t want to give them satisfaction of witnessing what they believe to be an evil person having died a painful death, granting them revenge that it ill placed.
Besides, even when I’m at my worst, I still can’t let go. The instinct to survive is too strong, and maybe there’s an element of the supernatural here also, because: When things really hit the fan I always get that extra something coming out of nowhere but which leads me ahead and onward, out of the situation I was in.
Some of it is of course that when I really have to fight, in the most extreme situations, I suddenly get that fuel by which I thrive: Stimulation. This is also the main weapon used to slowly try and kill me: Depriving me of any kind of input except from what I can find on the internet.
I have now become so bad health wise that I can’t even walk to the small shop at the corner of the building in which I live. The pain takes over and makes my muscles refuse to perform the actions I want them to. Within the last two years I’ve grown around 15 years older and my health issues keep mounting up, new ones coming to all the time.
Funny as it may sound, I have been delegate a team of social workers from the state who are supposed to help me get a better life and help me accomplish the things I want to change, things like getting my health back. But whenever I want help that includes any kind of activity which would actually help me, they decline. In other words, they’re only there to witness my life decline. – Ooh, they are very nice, especially one of them has done things no one else in the system of the state has done for me, but it is all aimed at keeping me occupied sitting in my little prison until I die.
I wonder if anybody can believe me when I say that the life I’m having now is a worse experience than the life I had when I was in prison. I never thought this possible, but it’s the truth.
Another funny thing: I have realized that there are more low key psychopaths within the state than I thought, and I happen to have one on my case. He’s one of the lucky ones who had a good upbringing and who has sailed smoothly through one exciting – and legal – assignment after another, and what’s more, I suspect that he knows what he is. But he also understands the unusual extent by which every citizen in this society is being monitored, and after making a simple check I soon found out that he’ll not be helping me in any real helpful way, he simply won’t risk his job – and thereby his whole future within the borders of this country – by helping someone, despite it is very obvious that he knows I probably am the person who Should be helped the most of all the people he has met, and will meet, via his different works (he regularly changes his jobs to keep things interesting and fresh).
I also know that the one main individual behind the refusals to provide me surgery is very much a psychopath too. However, whether he knows or not (he no doubt knows that he’s different), he doesn’t know that I am one. He only knows what he believes about me, all of which is pretty much lies and mistaken careless notes that have taken on a life of their own – something that’s more common than even I knew until fairly recently within the state, the police and the hospitals and medical systems.
Anyway, I thought I would write a little more than just tell you how much I appreciate hearing that people still are aware that I have something to give. If I could get away from here and thus gain better access to sources for my research, as well as the ability to contact people I cannot contact now because that contact would be intervened and perhaps even made impossible – after all, this country is one of the highest censored in the Western world, and it’s surveilance is complete meaning ALL phone and ALL internet activity is being monitored, recorded and put on file, and then sent to the police to go through. It is said that every 500th file that comes in (and they ALL come in, into their system) is being read or watched by the police plus probably their search engines set specifically to look for certain words and phrases plus certain patterns in the text that could suggest a code is being used; things like that.
I will end this article here, but more is to come. I do not intend to stop writing, it’s just that I sometimes must spend all my energy at mere survival, plus a depleted mind will have difficulty executing even previously well planned actions – such as the writing the articles about specific subjects which I have now had a which to publish for quite a while since they include aspects that will explain some important things about me and how I came to be the way I was, and the way I now am.
It is very difficult to be creative when you are consistently denied all Civil and Human Rights.
That’s why denying certain individuals their rights is being used so often as a means to get rid of elements who’s words might create the roots of something that’ll grow to become problems of a magnitude that even guns and armies can’t silence.
Until next time…!