Let’s get right to it…
1) If you have ever committed a crime, what was your main motivation to do so? If you haven’t, what was your motivation not to do so?
Oh wow, I can’t answer that with one line, I think. You see, I have committed a lot of crimes and I have had a sorts of motivations for committing them. But you may say that one motivation runs through all my actions, criminal and otherwise: I felt I had to do what I did in order to gain what I wanted to gain.
2) How did you ‘feel’ or what did you ‘think’ when you were diagnosed, or realized you were a psychopath?
When I was diagnosed I felt kind of satisfied because to me the diagnosis wasn’t real, so I concluded they diagnosed me with psychopathy because they couldn’t understand me, couldn’t figure the ‘real me’ out and thus by the psychopathy diagnosis unwillingly admitted that they couldn’t control me.
The funny thing is I was right. They couldn’t control me until they were able to make so physically incapacitated that it teared at mt overall health.
But when I realized that psychopathy is real and that I fit the criteria of what it means to be a psychopath, my feelings were a mixture of “Wow, that’s exactly how I feel/how I am/How it’s always been/etc. – when I got the information from other psychopaths who knew what they were and wrote about it – and a feeling of “Ah, so that’s why I’ve been treated so strange by this and that person, by these and those people during my upbringing!”. It’s been an ongoing list of new discoveries in all cases.
One of the most well known clinical psychologists, Dr. Robert D. Hare, whom we have to thank for much of the first research in later years (that’s about 25 years) until recently, used to say that psychopaths can’t get ‘better’ in a societal way by learning about their condition. He says we only use our gained knowledge to become better at deceiving and abusing others. This is true in some cases, but psychopaths are like everybody else individuals, and not everybody react the same way. My reaction were to turn completely around, if you will, and decide to try and help society get a better understanding of what we are and why we so often become heavily antisocial.
3) Have you ever considered getting help? If so, why? If so, has it worked?
I have been subjected to all sorts of “help” since I was a little child. Cognitive therapy and all that. But it didn’t help because those who “therapized” me always had the air of “I know best” and “You do what I tell you to”, there was no real cooperation. I have been hurt badly by a few of these “helpers” and I don’t believe in that therapy. I believe in providing people with knowledge, and with treating them according to how they behave. Not in the sense that you should punish someone for something he did in another lifetime, so to speak – a time where he was another person and didn’t have the understanding he has now, but treat him truly in accordance with who he is today – and you can only know this about a psychopath by observing his actions. If he consistently do things that are helpful and consistently tell you the truth about himself, possible like I do: Telling you more and more, including things he isn’t proud or happy about and which he knows will bring about some scorn (as you have seen in this comment thread that I have from at least one person, a person who speaks for several dozen others)… a psychopath who goes that far to be honest about himself and provide knowledge about people of his minority, I believe that for one, you have no reason to not believe him (who on earth would lie himself weaker and less capable, less admirable than he really is?), and I believe you shouldn’t punish him for crimes committed many years ago if all it does it take away an opportunity for people to learn more and new things about psychopaths.
4) What are your personal struggles if you feel you have them? Do you enjoy being a psychopath, or would you rather change? Or do you change only because you feel like you have to?
I have changed, and only because I wanted to. I changed because I took the time to learn about myself as well as about those who used to be my victims (normal people with weaknesses), but I am still a psychopath.
Being a psychopath basically just means you have stunted or absent capacities to feel empathy, love, and/or remorse.
Most psychopaths can feel Empathy but only for limited periods and the emotion isn’t deep rooted. I can attest to this.
A lot of psychopaths admit they can’t feel Love and do not believe it exists, or they believe it exists but don’t care to feel it even if they could. I always thought I could feel love but hadn’t experienced it because the right situation or person hadn’t come alone yet. Now that I’m older I’m no longer certain. I don’t know if I can feel love or not, I only know it hasn’t happened yet.
All psychopaths lack the ability to feel Remorse. I don’t think any of us could even if we wanted to. When some psychopaths sometimes claim they feel remorse, I think it is more a simple recognition of “hey, that was too bad. If I could change it I would”, but that isn’t remorse. Remorse is being in emotional pain because of something you did, and I have never seen or heard of a psychopath doing that. Personally I have no qualms with admitting I don’t feel remorse about anything – again, I can feel regret, and I can be sincere in apologizing if I have hurt somebody by killing one of their loved ones or doing something else that brought them agony – but I fail to see the purpose of being emotionally in pain about something that has already happened and can’t be undone. It helps nobody. In my view it is better to make sure to not repeat whatever your mistake was and learn from it, spend your time on making things better, not on sitting in a corner feeling sad because of something you did.
5) Do you ever feel stigmatized or unfairly treated or portrayed in the media?
This is not so much a matter of feeling as it is a matter of fact. I have become so accustomed to it in a sense, but I have come to realize that not only do mainstream society hurt and alienate psychopaths further, keeping them at the outside of what we call humanity or even humankind, but it hurts you, the normal people too, because it maintains all the stigma and misunderstandings, not to mention the lacking understanding which are essential if we want to change things.
Some psychopaths say about the victims: “It’s their own doing, they should take responsibility instead of whine about their misfortune”. And while this sounds very callous and is in many cases too harsh since we’re talking about people who didn’t have the necessary tools to avoid being abused – and that’s not their fault, as little as it is the psychopath’s fault – they (the psychopaths who say this) do have a point…
Too long have we – or you, society – used psychopaths as scapegoats that could be blamed for anything and everything, all bad was always our fault, ad worst of all, you need not even look for a reason because you already knew that we did the bad things for one reason only: Because we’re EVIL.
And that is just way too easy. Most people today know that there’s more to it than calling somebody evil – unless you’re deeply practicing religious (Christian or Muslim, they both have this Absolute Evil aspect). But truth is – and is finally about to be proven by the few that people are willing to listen to: The scientists and psychologists themselves! – that nobody, not even psychopaths, become antisocial for no reason at all.
Most psychopathy research has been done on psychopathic inmates in prisons (I myself have been part of such a research program even as I’ve been writing this blog), but most imprisoned psychopaths have a background with heavy neglect and abuse throughout childhood, and some even with bullying because they were different and alone.
What researchers are slowly beginning to find out is that there are plenty of psychopaths who never end up in prison and who even do good things for society, because they have been raised very differently from those who end up in prison – or who get away with it, maybe by being guarded by a wealthy family.
I am one of those who were neglected and stigmatized even before I was ever diagnosed, simply because I was an orphan, taken by the state from my poor and very young mother and put in an orphanage and later adopted into a family with an okay step father who was rarely home, and a very controlling and selfish, even sadistic step mother who’s main goal quickly became “He is to be broken! I HATE him! He is EVIL!”. She spread this “propaganda” in the neighborhood, and even before then everybody knew that they adopted an orphan so a lot of children had been forbidden to play with me even before I arrived. And do you think any of the adults in the area lifted a hand to help me? No, not in that county they didn’t. They all observed her abuse but did nothing. So I eventually gravitated towards the ‘bad seeds’, the other, older boys whom nobody was allowed to play with.
6) Do you have someone you would consider your best friend? How would you define this relationship? Would you miss them, would you feel something if they were disappointed in you or if they left?
Sadly, I do not have a best friend anymore. If I did, I would not be in the situation I’m in now, and it’s very likely that I wouldn’t have written about the state of health I’m in. But I did have a best friend. However, she died of cancer almost 4 years ago, it happened very suddenly. I was about to get a lover at the same time – a lovely woman I had met via this very website – and I had finally laid out a plan to leave this country forever… and it would’ve worked too, but I had to return for her funeral and the state detained me on grounds that the Psychopathy Research Program had been renewed and they now needed my participation for a months long session (taking place in the special prison ward build specifically for us psychopaths who had been picked to be in the program – and be released on probation for certain if we agreed to do it… Yeah, just look what kind of freedom this probation has brought me. Damn liars, hah!… Since then I have been stuck here as my condition (which I have described in a few earlier articles) is wearing on me and my chances to escape, regain my health and realize my plans by making them come to fruition so I can contribute to society with some of the more important knowledge that is needed right now, become fewer for every day that passes.