I’m beginning to wonder why psychopaths develop this mindset, this philosophy or approach to life.
Psychopath’s emotions are shallow, but does that necessarily mean that shallow emotions cannot be strong? I remember how when I was a child and genuinely wanted to be and do good, but nobody ever believed me. I’m thinking that the reason for this could well be that people sensed my emotions were shallow and they mistook that for meaning I wasn’t sincere and they would even think I was lying. For me this meant that even when I did what I had been told meant I was a good person, and which I believed to be true, it nevertheless meant that I was let down every time I tried to adhere to all the things that we think of as being good and wanting to do good. In fact, it seemed to me that the better a person I was the more I was being rejected, and I didn’t understand why. I eventually could only conclude that everything others said about themselves and other normal people being good wasn’t true, because why would good people reject someone who was trying to be even better? So I thought they were hypocritical and themselves liars.
It wasn’t until sometime within the last four years that I realized how I am different from other people, and that too is a result of others no telling me the truth – mainly because most people simply didn’t know the truth, most people don’t know what it is about me that makes me different and makes them sense something “is off” about me. But a few people have always known, yet they chose to never tell me, even when I WAS told they used words that deflected the true meaning of what they were saying. They didn’t say “You’re a psychopath”, they said “You’re unusual in character” or “You have an uncommon character”. This is what I was told the first time I was diagnosed by forensic psychiatrists. I even nodded and approved because I’ve always known I was different from the norm and I was proud of it because I thought the norm was hypocritical and not good at all.
Now what about the mentality that makes psychopaths think “Hurt lest you get hurt first” and “control or you’ll be controlled”? I can only speak for myself, and I don’t quite understand it, but every time I have tried to arrange or form an equal relationship or friendship with another person, I have ended up with that person trying to control and change me. The thought I’m having right now is if perhaps people do this because they have this sense that I (and psychopaths in general) am different, the shallow emotion thing again… Maybe they think I’m lying or have a wrong way of thinking because my ideas are controversial, which they are as a result of on one hand me having very bad experiences with normal people, and on the other hand me being less confined by conformist thinking due to my psychopathic shallow emotions and therefore lack of bonding capacity which allows me to think outside the box much more than most people do. It has undeniably led to me being quite willing to confront ideas about the way the average population limits and oppresses each other in a very destructive way, but which they don’t have the luxury of admitting to or even investigating the possibility of because it to them is a way of survival, of not loosing hope because realizing how deeply in the grip of willingly giving themselves up to Milgram Experiment effect-like line of thought and actively oppressing and hurting their fellow citizens they are, giving up their freedom in the name of a false sense of safety and security, that will understandably be very depressing to someone with a normal emotional depth.
But I didn’t know this until recently. I didn’t understand why they were so willing to and actively condoning giving up all freedom and being perversely mean toward each other as a quite normal everyday behavior, I could only conclude that it certainly isn’t what good people do, it is in fact evil if anything is. Yet they always said I am the evil person despite it always being me who is willing to try and give up this type of behavior.
And here is the point…
Because I have always believed in being the best person you can be, I have repeatedly throughout the early part of my life set myself up to be abused and attempted put under normal people’s control. I wonder if this is what makes most psychopaths conclude that since if you try to create an even basis to interact with others always results in others hurting you and trying to control you, it seems the only way you can avoid this from repeatedly happening again and again is to be the one who does the hurting and controlling. Because it isn’t enough to just live and let live, you have to actually allow others to hurt and control you or they won’t be satisfied.
What I’m saying is that other may be acting this way toward psychopaths because they sense we’re different, they sense our emotions are shallow and think that means we aren’t sincere, so they conclude we’re lying and we must be bad so they develop antipathy against us and hurt us, or they try to control us because they think that otherwise we’ll do something bad or evil, or they simply react with a sense of fear because we don’t respond to the emotional bonding thing and I know that can be very unnerving.
I know it can be unnerving because I have tried it. Contrary to common belief that has it that psychopaths cannot fall prey to somebody else’s manipulation this can and does happen. Many young teenage psychopaths have experienced this when meeting older and more experienced psychopaths. I had this experience myself once. I was about 19 years old and I met a guy who was 62, but he was very youthful in mind so I didn’t feel any generation gap effects, and besides I’ve never cared about age differences anyway, so I was interested in him because he appeared to be so much in control and so much at ease with everything that I wanted to learn from him.
The first strange thing I experienced with him was that he didn’t allow me to take control. I was used to being the one who showed an interest in the other person and asked all the questions, and so I asked him some questions as usual. But he refused to answer and simply firmly stated that now it was not about him but about me. That took me by surprise, but I thought “Okay, I can always turn things around later on, I’ll accommodate him for now”. But “later on” never really came because when it was my turn to ask questions he just didn’t respond like I was used to people doing. It was very confusing and I didn’t know what to make of it. I decided to wait and see, I thought eventually he would have to give in to the normal wish to bond and get close to another person, in this case myself. Then he began to behave strangely.
I had begun my singing career at the time and one morning – I was homeless at the time and he’d offered that I could stay at his penthouse apartment which I did (he never advanced on me sexually. If he had I would’ve been out of there very quickly, but he was an a-sexual psychopath which isn’t uncommon for psychopaths who are heavy on the traits under point 1. on the PCL-R, also known as ‘classic flat affect psychopaths who aren’t necessarily antisocial or criminal). I was in the bathroom and started singing as I usually did when I knew I was going on stage the same day or evening. And then he shouted: “People who sing in the bathroom are crazy!” When I came back out he repeated this and I said “No, that’s absurd, a lot of people sing in the bath, it’s quite common even among people who don’t sing for a living”.
Then he did something I have since learned is very common – and a very good check point when you want to spot a psychopath – he had no argument, but he wouldn’t give in, so he simply repeated himself: “People who sing in the bathroom are crazy!”. I too repeated myself, “No, they’re not! Lots of people do it! Surely you must be aware of that?”. “People who sing in the bathroom are crazy!”. At that point I gave up trying to reason with him, I didn’t give him what he wanted – saying “well, maybe you;re right” or something like that – and he knew it, but it was a stalemate for now, so none of us said any more about it.
Later there would be other examples of the very same thing. But what confused me was the way he didn’t respond to my attempts to make him feel an emotional bond with me. I had never experienced anything like it. I had met plenty of psychopaths, but I had always spotted them so easily and they’d never appeared interesting in any way, so I’d never tried to get them to become friends with me. In the case of this guy I did try because I thought he had knowledge I could learn from and I had no negative intentions of using it to con others as is so commonly believed about everything a psychopath does with other people. Back then i still continued to try to.. well, bond I guess, because I wasn’t aware that I didn’t have the ability to do so with anyone. I thought my failure in this department all stemmed from others letting me down by trying to control me or ending up hurting and betraying me.
The next few days a tension grew between us and I knew it was because I failed to give into his ridiculous statements like the one I’ve described above. But in spite of this, against everything I would’ve expected, he out of the blue asked me if I wanted to come along for a holiday down south, I wouldn’t have to pay for anything, hotel room and food and plane tickets, he was paying for it all.
I knew there was no hidden sexual agenda. He wasn’t even gay in the slightest. I had no money at the time (my band was in between contracts and had some difficulty getting our sponsor to pay a decent amount of money), so I thought “Hey, if he wants to pay, sure, I won’t tell him not to!”, so I said I’d love to go, and I was thinking that this might be a chance to get things back on track between us so I could finally get to know him and learn something from him. The day before we went the tensions were higher than ever and I said “C’mon, let’s just have fun now while we’re on this trip, okay?” and he replied “Okay”.
But he never changed anything, there was just no connection at all. Why was he even interested in me? I didn’t get it. Of course I get it now. He was interested in e because I was different from what he was used to meet in other people, he may even have known I was a psychopath myself and wanted to see how far he could push me. There’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that he knew for a fact that he himself was a psychopath. It was obvious that he had studied psychology, and a few things he said about having been sentenced and how he had behaved in court and stuff, when I myself found out I knew that he knew about himself back then.
Watch out for the next part of: Psychopaths: Control Lest YOU Be Controlled – Part 2.