What is the Psychopath’s relationship with gender? Do we identify specifically with our gender – the gender we were born with? Lately I’ve been thinking about an idea that I tentatively call:
‘The Psychopath Gender’.
Here is what …
A Reader writes:
Some of the symptoms that led them to think I was autistic was my lack of eye contact. Another was that I was reported to be ‘rocking’, another typical autistic feature.
As I grew older the autism theory was abandoned, and I was merely a ‘bad’ child.
I learned to talk late, but that wasn’t so strange. Id been spending my first well over 3 years among infants at between a few months to little more than 1 years old. There were no one to learn from. But once I got a pair of parents I learned fast and I soon had a vocabulary that in many ways equaled that of adults.
I was very bright, had a high IQ – which I was never told though – and I was told my tone of voice was flat and without “music”.
I was always a fearless child, I always thought and felt I could do anything I wanted, and I got away with a lot. I was also what you could call a “charmer”. I was very charming, a trait that has kept with me throughout my life.
Since as long back as I can remember I’ve been attracted to all the things that to mainstream people is viewed as ‘evil’. I loved the idea of torturing others, and I would soon find my own little ways of doing so.
Now I’m a girl, so I couldn’t get away with as much physical stuff as the boy could, but I felt I might as well have been a boy and for a while during my early puberty I would dress like a boy and do whatever the heck I wanted in a boyish style. I felt I could have been a great leader of any gang or corporation if I had been a boy or – later – a man.
It wasn’t that I felt envious of men, not at all. There’re a lot of benefits to being a woman, and I play them all with virtuous knack for what affects people how.
When I turned 19 I uh… killed a guy. Strictly speaking it was self defense, but between you and me, it could just as well have not been self defense.
During those days I had played a lot with the idea of getting away with murder. I say ‘during those days’, but in reality it was a recurring thought of mine.
Since I was very soon to be hated by my step parents and my neighborhood I hit the streets by the time I was 13 or 14 and I lived for some years as a prostitute.
I also became addicted to heroine. It was most of all lack of knowledge that got me into that, for had I know how addicted that shit makes you – physically speaking, I mean – I’d have never touched it. I’d have tried it, yes, for I always wanted to try everything. The more dangerous and the worse it’s reputation for being dangerous, the more I wanted it.
I’ve always been that kind of person who leads and plays and manipulates everybody I get in touch with. I tune on to weakness like a bee to a sugar-laden flower. And I must admit, as much as I like to help out if someone is of use to me and I somehow respect them, just as much do I love to help bring about their downfall. Most often they never realize it was me who made things happen that way. I come off as very ‘trustworthy’, and I think it’s part of my being female that helps me project that image even stronger.
There was a period where I wondered why it was that I’d never fallen in love with anybody. Was I perhaps Lesbian?
I set out to find out if that was it. I went to an area in town where Lesbians hung out and soon became one of the inner circle. That year I was introduced to the country’s main Lesbian Radio and TV-channel and was put in charge of covering northern Europe’s equivalent to Woodstock, a recurring event every summer that takes place on some vast fields situated some 50 miles away from the capital.
I’ve also over the years played a lot with the idea of creating and perfecting a “dual-gender” image, a la David Bowie’s famed Ziggy Stardust – though Anne Lenox from Eurythmics would fit me.better as a biological female.