The Psychopath Gender. (Part I)

When I was a small child I was for a while thought to be autistic. It was during my first three years when I was kept in an institution for infants because the state had taken me from my mother who was alone and very young and poor at the time she got me.
Some of the symptoms that led them to think I was autistic was my lack of eye contact. Another was that I was reported to be ‘rocking’, another typical autistic feature.

As I grew older the autism theory was abandoned, and I was merely a ‘bad’ child.
I learned to talk late, but that wasn’t so strange. Id been spending my first well over 3 years among infants at between a few months to little more than 1 years old. There were no one to learn from. But once I got a pair of parents I learned fast and I soon had a vocabulary that in many ways equaled that of adults.

I was very bright, had a high IQ – which I was never told though – and I was told my tone of voice was flat and without “music”.

I was always a fearless child, I always thought and felt I could do anything I wanted, and I got away with a lot. I was also what you could call a “charmer”. I was very charming, a trait that has kept with me throughout my life.

Since as long back as I can remember I’ve been attracted to all the things that to mainstream people is viewed as ‘evil’. I loved the idea of torturing others, and I would soon find my own little ways of doing so.

Now I’m a girl, so I couldn’t get away with as much physical stuff as the boy could, but I felt I might as well have been a boy and for a while during my early puberty I would dress like a boy and do whatever the heck I wanted in a boyish style. I felt I could have been a great leader of any gang or corporation if I had been a boy or – later – a man.

It wasn’t that I felt envious of men, not at all. There’re a lot of benefits to being a woman, and I play them all with virtuous knack for what affects people how.

When I turned 19 I uh… killed a guy. Strictly speaking it was self defense, but between you and me, it could just as well have not been self defense.
During those days I had played a lot with the idea of getting away with murder. I say ‘during those days’, but in reality it was a recurring thought of mine.

Since I was very soon to be hated by my step parents and my neighborhood I hit the streets by the time I was 13 or 14 and I lived for some years as a prostitute.
I also became addicted to heroine. It was most of all lack of knowledge that got me into that, for had I know how addicted that shit makes you – physically speaking, I mean – I’d have never touched it. I’d have tried it, yes, for I always wanted to try everything. The more dangerous and the worse it’s reputation for being dangerous, the more I wanted it.

I’ve always been that kind of person who leads and plays and manipulates everybody I get in touch with. I tune on to weakness like a bee to a sugar-laden flower. And I must admit, as much as I like to help out if someone is of use to me and I somehow respect them, just as much do I love to help bring about their downfall. Most often they never realize it was me who made things happen that way. I come off as very ‘trustworthy’, and I think it’s part of my being female that helps me project that image even stronger.

There was a period where I wondered why it was that I’d never fallen in love with anybody. Was I perhaps Lesbian?
I set out to find out if that was it. I went to an area in town where Lesbians hung out and soon became one of the inner circle. That year I was introduced to the country’s main Lesbian Radio and TV-channel and was put in charge of covering northern Europe’s equivalent to Woodstock, a recurring event every summer that takes place on some vast fields situated some 50 miles away from the capital.

It was the only time I went to that festival, and I had a great time. I loved the way I could wander about amongst the world famous names and there was SPACE! No being crammed up like canned prunes in a slimy foundation of mud.