Anyway, I soon realized I felt no more for these women than I had ever felt for any other person, gay or straight.
It was very perplexing.
The next idea I got in this respect was this: Maybe I was really a man trapped in a woman’s body, and I should really go trans-gender and find my happiness – or at least a lot more opportunities – that way. I eventually gave up the idea, for I couldn’t really picture myself as the stud I’d want to be if I should go male.
So I’ve eventually stuck with me female image, and am working on perfecting that as best as I can. And whoa, are there possibilities there, brothar! Ha!
Since I came to terms with just being someone with a female body but with a mind that seemed to be as much female as male, I’ve gone through some other searches pertaining to what I really am – since I am so obviously not like anyone else I’ve ever met.
And it was then that I recently – via another looking into Autism and learning about Asperger’s, which again led me to the uncanny meeting with a mirror reflection that has been both exhilarating and slightly unnerving – that I was reminded of the diagnosis I got when I was in jail for murder back at my 18th year: Psychopath.
Like others I’ve read about – also here in your blog – I never took that diagnosis seriously… But on meeting with so many sources of information about what psychopathy really is – not least Robert D. Hare’s books ‘Without Conscience’ and ‘Snakes in Suits’, which he’s the co-author on (I can lend you both books if you haven’t read them), but also via the various blogs that have begun to appear, written by mainly Sociopaths (but still, Sociopathy and Psychopathy are related, so I’ve learned a lot by reading about both), there’re so much that has become clear to me, and which before used to be a great mystery…
One of those things is our tendency to not have an inherent sense of gender!
It’s still something I wonder about … I mean, there’s no doubt that I really do not identify with the female gender any more than I identify with the male gender – even though I look the female part and play especially on it’s strong sides whereas I leave the male counterparts out because it just wouldn’t have the same effect coming from a woman.
But in the books I have read so far on Psychopathy there isn’t much about us having no gender identity.
Also, it’s not that many autobiographic descriptions that I’ve read so far, so it could be either some coincidence, or it could be that we’re a sub group and maybe in fact different from Psychopaths or Sociopatahs.
I’ve wondered about the same thing when it comes to the many correlating traits in people with Asperger’s and people who are Sociopaths or Psychopaths. – I really do wonder. And that’s why I wrote you, hoping you might have some answers to this.
And if you don’t, I feel you may be the one who will find out where we are with this, as you seem to be the more serious in that you don’t hop over where the fence is lowest, as I see some of the most ‘popular’ bloggers do (not that I blame them, haha! I mean, who wouldn’t do what they do if you can get popular by it? And after all, that’s most likely where you’re headed too. Eh?).
What’s your gender, Zhawq?… 😀
I hope you’ll feature the video I mentioned. I’ve send you a link to it, and I really think it’s cool!
Yep, I published the video you suggested. Think it’s cool too. 😉