Hi. I have been given a number of diagnoses over the years, from being a psychopath (that happened first), over being outright schizophrenic to having Asperger’s Syndrome (latest).
The ‘funny’ thing about all this is that I’m not mentally ill in any way – though I have no doubt I’m not ‘normal’, or ‘common’ either.
Every diagnosis I have gotten over the years (with the exception of Psychopathy) was … I hate to say this, but they were … orchestrated by myself. I played the part, knowing what diagnosis I was aiming for before the assessment started, every time.
I always play the part. It was the same when I got the Asperger’s diagnosis in November 2010. The only difference with this diagnosis was that I actually felt some of it rang true. I think I actually believed it myself, and yet, during the diagnosis session I made sure to fit the pattern. I knew exactly what to do and how.
Then I found your blog, and through your blog, Sociopath World and The Notable Path and others.
What you guys write … I mean, it just seems so obvious and normal to me. I don’t see anything strange – though in your blog, Zhawq, there is more outright “anti-socialness”, but I recognize that urge too. To be like you are. I’ve been like you are, but mostly when I was younger. Now I mostly hide everything. I used to go to jail a lot, I’ve even robbed a Jewelry and that was definitely not something people did everyday around where I live, especially not considering I used a gun to hold up the guy and his wife. Where I live guns and other weapons are not permitted, our state has very strict control with the population.
In everyday life I’ve always been wearing a mask. I can be a lot of different personalities, I portray myself differently in every new social setting and when meeting new people. The Mask has always been … what I am, in a sense. At least in everyday life.
– I’m a female, by the way.
I never gave that psychopathy diagnosis that I got when I was young any credit. I thought: “Well they have to think you’re a psychopath when you do something like I did, it tells nothing about the real me!”.
Now I’m not so sure.